Oh, Rachael - calm down.
Omg. Fuck right off. Anyone else?
That moment where you are highly passionate about something and someone tells you to just chill out or calm down. I mean this is clearly hitting a nerve here, buddy - maybe you should calm down. Or, MAYBE THIS IS IMPORTANT AND IT IS CLASHING WITH MY VALUES AND YOU SHOULD LISTEN.
Also, I appreciate that I am still learning to regulate my emotions even as an adult.
Three times I can remember a version of its not that bad. Or just, relax…
The first, I sat across from a client next to the partner that I worked for. I had messed something up. I was really trying to polish a turd with this visa applicant and make the application perfect. Turns out I missed one word on one page of one document that meant it all came crashing down. At least that is how it felt. For anyone that hasn’t dealt with people that are on the other side of a visa issue that doesn’t go there way, I can tell you its not a fun conversation. Hey, your visa got refused. This probably means that the next you apply you are going to need to depart Australia and wait till a new one gets granted. Oh and by the way, your current bridging visa is going to expire in 35 days. Sorry. Yeah, its shitty. But I am only human. And, I make mistakes. So, the partner of this client (they are usually the craziest versions of visa applicants) - says to my partner while I was sitting there “she is useless and should be fired”. My partner didn’t bat an eyelid, didn’t defend me, did nothing. I got up and walked out of the room. And, I started to get physical symptoms. I knew I had to wait until the meeting was over before I could leave the office. I knew that crying probably wasn’t the best option, nor was telling them that the visa application was a turd. So, naturally - I sat in my office while my palms got sweaty and the chest palpitations got stronger, and I waited to the partner told me I could leave. I had a full blown panic attack on the way home. I had to drive for 45 minutes. By the time I got home, I couldn’t speak. I could hardly move. I was sobbing so uncontrollably that it hurt. My partner at the time walked me to the shower and I just stood in there. I stood there for what felt hours trying to wash away the shame of being called useless.
The second time was when I finally (for the final time) quit my big girl job in lawland. I had to meet with the managing partner of AsiaPac to resign. My boss reported to her and my boss was on leave. After returning from a two week stint in Scotland for my MBA I had 997 emails and 6 people handling my work. I lasted two hours before taking a two hour coffee break, considering my life choices and coming back to resign. I don’t have a copy of the resignation letter but far out I wish I did. I was so honest. It was something like: Dear all, I have come back from leave to an insurmountable amount of work for one person. I have no resources to support me. No proper team that reports to me to do the work and while you say that the work is shared evenly I am getting billing reports which are above my paygrade for some reason and I have out billed my whole office month on month this year. Nothing is going to change. I will not be the first or last to leave like this. I was right (of course) but instead of doing anything about it in that meeting with the managing partner, she said to me “Oh, Rachael - I can’t imagine that’s how it actually is”. My direct boss had said to me a couple of weeks earlier when I worked up the courage to tell her I wasn’t coping that “yeah, no-one else is coping either”. Two leaders, cut from the same cloth and definitely not my style of leadership.
And, the third time. I was doing yet another qualification that law land required of me. Within that qualification there was a business plan. I had poured my heart and soul into my business plan. No-one had ever seen what was in that business plan. I was doing the course with someone that I believed was a best friend. But that all unraveled. The guy that was marking said business plans had taken what he liked from multiple assignments that were submitted, cobbled together a business idea and pitched my best friend with the business, referencing the assignments. WTAF. She called me AFTER the pitch meeting and told me. I was immediately uncomfortable and started having one of those emotionally charged Rachael moments. She did not agree with my outrage. I reported it to the institution. There was a meeting. In that meeting I was attempting to express my outrage. Out of the 5 people on the call, two people sniggered when I spoke. One of those people was my best friend. We’re not friends anymore. We never recovered. We tried but there was never a moment where we could see each others points of view.
